I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
