a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
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