The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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