ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
