Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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