someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
