the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
