Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Randomize
