you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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