We got so high we made milksteak
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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