i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
