omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
