i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
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