even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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