Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
