did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
