Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
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