An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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