Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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