I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
