just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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