i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
