i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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