mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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