I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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