The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
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