I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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