That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
how does that bad decision feel?
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