I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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