My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
