I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
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