trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Randomize
