I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
