I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
