Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
The air was thick with penises
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Randomize
