From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
