and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
