apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
