We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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