i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Randomize
