Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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