I am in a vortex of obligation.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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