Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
