My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
