Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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