What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
