she woke up with a sticky ear
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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