i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
