her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
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