I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
